Aaarrghh…guess who showed up today? Yepp–the red tide of disappointment. So much for that waiting game I was talking about.
In order to make myself feel better that it’s “negative on the preg-ative”, here’s a laugh.
Hmm..pretty sure we can dude. No uterus, no opinion.
I’m officially playing the waiting game. Those 5 days before your period is supposed to show up that you can test to see if the magic happened. I’ve already taken 2 pregnancy tests (both negative) and am just trying to think positively. “It’s too early yet.”
Can I just say how much I hate this part? The over-analyzing every bodily feeling, people asking if I’ve tested yet (yes, duh!), the squinting at every test up to the light trying to see if there is a faint line. I wish my period could just send me an email:
Hey.
You’re preggers. *insert thumbs up emoji*
See you in 9 months.
-P
I really should just wait to test till after I’m supposed to get my period–every negative crushes me a little bit. Sigh. Back to nail biting and anxiety….
As you have seen from some of my previous posts, I have the joy of managing depression, anxiety, and OCD. This on top of being a loss mom can kinda put a damper on getting pregnant again. Someone suggested to me to make a list of things I am excited to do once I have another child, no matter how “trivial” I feel that they are. Take a look!
This was fun to do, and really made me focus on the positives, not the potential negatives. I think this would be super fun to do with your child’s father!
This picture always makes me crack up! I know it’s in reference to gender identity, but it speaks to me as a loss mom. Instead of “Whatever-just wash your hands” I feel like writing “Whatever-just be alive and stay alive!”
I don’t care if my child has a developmental disability. I don’t really care if they are a boy or girl. I don’t care if my baby is born a girl and decides they identify as a man. I don’t care if my baby is born without an arm, ear, or leg. I don’t care if my baby is blind, deaf, or has spina bifida. I DON’T CARE!!! I just want a baby that has the potential to live–I can work with anything else!!
When I was losing Nyla, I remember thinking, “Why does it have to be her heart–it’s a death sentence! Why can’t she just be missing a leg, or be wheelchair bound?? Why does it have to be something we can’t fix??”
Everyone has their own different opinion on this subject, but for me my only goal is that this BTB is alive and able to live life. Of course I want my baby to be healthy and have no problems–I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’ll love my child just as much if they are autistic, wheelchair-bound, or didn’t grow all of their extremities.
So, BTB–just be alive and stay alive. We can get through anything else! ❤
We all know loss is hard, but remaking your life is just as bad. As a TTC PAL mom, I struggle with this. Today the phrase ” You know you are “X” if you…” popped into my mind. So I thought all day about my fears and insecurities of being PAL, and here is the result.
You know you’re a loss mom when:
You see those 2 lines and automatically think “hmm, wonder how long this one will last”, or “lets see if we make it past “X” number of weeks this time”.
You try to associate any and all signs of pregnancy (even if you are TTC) with something else. “It must be my anxiety”, or “I’ve probably got a stomach bug”.
You find out you’re not pregnant and even though you’re sad, there is that little twinge of relief in the back of your head; because it would be just that much easier to not have to open yourself to that kind of hurt again.
Everyone talks about your potential baby shower and you just smile and nod because who knows if you are even gonna have one or get that far.
People find out you are TTC and don’t understand why you aren’t taking a pregnancy test ASAP, not realizing how much courage it takes to even buy that damn thing.
Announcing your pregnancy is unthinkable. No cute pictures, onesies, or ultrasound scans. Instead, you think “How long can I hide this til I have to tell people who aren’t close to me?”
You ask your OB to not even tell you the Due Date yet because that way if something goes wrong again, that isn’t one more day of the year you’ll feel like shit.
It’s like a reflex to check for blood every time you use the bathroom.
You develop anxiety at the thought of having to go to an OB appointment–this might be the visit when you find out it’s all over….yet again.
You avoid planning a nursery until the last minute–just in case.
It takes a brave woman to be pregnant, but when its a PAL that woman becomes the bravest human alive. ❤
Hey Friends!
So I follow a bunch of other loss mom bloggers, and we all have our own ways of expressing ourselves. I was reading this fellow bloggers post, and this excerpt really resonated with me–leaving me sitting on the couch thinking “Damn. She put it so well.”
Here is the excerpt and please go check out her blog and support her too! We are all a community, no matter how unfortunate a one ❤
https://christinaburlesonblog.wordpress.com/
“I’m not good with secrets. They’ve almost always been toxic in my life. But sometimes I just don’t want to share. If I just met you and I’m not ever planning on speaking to you again, I might tell you I have 4 daughters and leave it at that. If I’m in a big group of people and I’m feeling extra vulnerable and I don’t want to cry in front of everyone, I might do the same. Alternatively, there have been times when I’ve met a perfect stranger in the bathroom that I don’t expect to ever speak to again (and really hope not to) and their question hits me the wrong way and I’ll go dead baby with them whether they want to go there with me or not.
Sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I don’t. Some people I want to share my Heaven babies with and some people I don’t. Sometimes I spare people the pain I know my pain evokes and sometimes I smash them with it because I can. It’s complicated and honestly I don’t even understand it myself.”
Ladies, I can say this with all honesty–I’ve been in that bathroom and I’ve gone dead baby too. It just comes out sometimes.
Stay strong mamas!! <3<3<3
As you all know, I deal with anxiety, depression, and OCD on a daily basis. Naturally this is going to be quite the roller coaster when I am pregnant, so I decided to find ways to stay positive.
It’s quite easy to list all of the negatives/annoyances of pregnancy. Feeling like a bloated whale, not being able to drink alcohol, swollen ankles, etc…Then there are the obvious joys; feeling the baby kick, seeing them on the ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat and picking out clothes.
I came up with 5 reasons I am looking forward to being pregnant.
Take some time and think of your own! ❤
I got a new job and I am kinda dreading the start of it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be leaving my current job. Starting a new job is just…anxiety ridden.
It’s beyond the walking on eggshells to figure out which co-worker you can say what to, or is this a work friendship or are we carrying this outside of work? I can deal with small talk, the what did you do this weekend, and all that. You know what I am dreading?
“So, do you have kids?”
Sigh. Here we go. Do I explain that I have 2 kids, but they died? I can’t just leave it with “Yes”, because then they expect details. But do I really want the pitying look when I explain my kids are dead? Or even worse, the “Oh shit, I shouldn’t have asked that” deer-in-the-headlights look? Awkward.
It’s like it’s not enough that I lost 2 babes, but it has to be rubbed in whenever I make new friends/acquaintances. It puts me in such an weird place–I can’t say no, but saying yes makes it so complicated. I just wish it didn’t come up and I could share as I get closer to people on my own. But it is an unavoidable conversation–hence the anxiety.
Ah, the age old question, “What are you hoping for? Boy or Girl?”
Let me just say it–I JUST WANT A HEALTHY BABY!!!
But, of course deep down I have a gender preference. Nick has always wanted boys–he went as far as to tell me once that he only made boys! Sorry babe, that not how it works…
This time around I would love to have a boy. Since Nyla was a girl, I think it would be nice to have the opposite gender. But truthfully I wouldn’t be even a little sad if I had another girl–who doesn’t want a mini-me?
As loss moms, I feel like we are obligated to say–“I don’t care, I just want a healthy baby” and leave it at that. Ummmm…….no.
PSA people!! We are allowed to have a gender preference–it is SO completely normal! Come on, it’s a given that we overall just want a healthy baby. It doesn’t make us a bad person to also want that healthy baby to be a boy or a girl.
So screw people! Tell them! “I really just want a healthy baby, but I am kinda hoping for a girl.” Or skip the specification of “healthy” (since DUH!) and just say “We are hoping it’s a boy!”
Stand up for yourselves PAL’s–no one else has gone through what we have and therefore has no right to comment or judge us!! ❤
Well my last post was kinda dark, angry and negative; so I felt like I needed a follow up post that was more positive. Make sure you ready My Body, Part 1 before this!
With body trust out the window, lets focus on hope. Hope, the only thing stronger than fear. The feeling that what is wanted can be had. Wishing is the fantasy that everything is going to turn out OK. Hoping is actually showing up for the hard work.
I did some research and was surprised to find out that the topic of hope has actually been well studied. Jerome Groopman, (link at bottom of post), a writer at The New Yorker who is focused on medicine and biology, did a lot of digging. His research showed that there are two mental states associated with hope–belief that something can happen and expectation that it will. Those states have an impact on our nervous system, setting off a chain reaction that makes our improvement and recovery more likely. It literally makes us feel better to have hope–ever seen a happy hopeless person?
Now that we know how hope can help us, how do we hope in our bodies?
I don’t think any of us TTC PAL moms will ever get rid of fear, but we can have hope–a single thread of hope is a very powerful thing. ❤
Life Out of Order 